So here we go again. Another attempt to blog.
Well, a lot has happened since I last dusted off my keyboard and peeped in here.
My mother's dementia has got to the level where she doesn't know who she is or who I am. She is still happy to see me but forgets I am there when she is not looking directly at me. She now resides in a care home as she needs 24 hour supervision and care at a level I can not provide. Sadly I am not know for my patience and one needs that to care for a dementia sufferer.
In the last month I have lost two of my cats to FIV related illnesses. While it is hard to lose them at least they had a good end; far better than they would have had had they remained as the ferals they were before I adopted them.
It is a sad truth that life will end in death. One of the saddest things is saying that last goodbye to someone we love. However I find it far harder to deal with the slow erosion of self that has taken my mother. While it is true that her body is still there for me to visit, that intangible thing that made my mother herself is gone. The memories we shared are lost. The connection that let us share laughter or sorrow with a glance is gone. The person I visit has different tastes, body language and habits. She behaves in a manner that she would have classed as inappropriate, laughs at people and makes rude or hurtful comments; things my mother would never have done. My mother would not like the person she has become.
So, as Shakespeare wrote, "Who is Sylvia, What is she?
People say that we never truly forget, that memories are still there we just lose the ability to access them. If this is true Mum still has all her memories yet the loss of the ability to access them has changed her dramatically. So as we make our memories, we could also say they make us. We learn to be who we are from what we experience. When those experiences can not be remembered and the behaviours they result in disappear even from our habits, we become a different person. We see this change happening as we watch people learn and grow; an adult of 25 is not the same person as they were at 5 years old, and yet that 5 year old can still be glimpsed in moments and actions, so they are not truly lost. When dementia sets in this is not true. The changes happen at a faster rate and you seem to lose the person you knew a little more each time you see them. Worse still your own memories get overwritten and it becomes harder to remember the person as they were.
People have often said to me that with dementia you lose the person twice For me this is not true. I lose my mother every time I visit her. And it hurts every time I visit her.
Well, a lot has happened since I last dusted off my keyboard and peeped in here.
My mother's dementia has got to the level where she doesn't know who she is or who I am. She is still happy to see me but forgets I am there when she is not looking directly at me. She now resides in a care home as she needs 24 hour supervision and care at a level I can not provide. Sadly I am not know for my patience and one needs that to care for a dementia sufferer.
In the last month I have lost two of my cats to FIV related illnesses. While it is hard to lose them at least they had a good end; far better than they would have had had they remained as the ferals they were before I adopted them.
It is a sad truth that life will end in death. One of the saddest things is saying that last goodbye to someone we love. However I find it far harder to deal with the slow erosion of self that has taken my mother. While it is true that her body is still there for me to visit, that intangible thing that made my mother herself is gone. The memories we shared are lost. The connection that let us share laughter or sorrow with a glance is gone. The person I visit has different tastes, body language and habits. She behaves in a manner that she would have classed as inappropriate, laughs at people and makes rude or hurtful comments; things my mother would never have done. My mother would not like the person she has become.
So, as Shakespeare wrote, "Who is Sylvia, What is she?
People say that we never truly forget, that memories are still there we just lose the ability to access them. If this is true Mum still has all her memories yet the loss of the ability to access them has changed her dramatically. So as we make our memories, we could also say they make us. We learn to be who we are from what we experience. When those experiences can not be remembered and the behaviours they result in disappear even from our habits, we become a different person. We see this change happening as we watch people learn and grow; an adult of 25 is not the same person as they were at 5 years old, and yet that 5 year old can still be glimpsed in moments and actions, so they are not truly lost. When dementia sets in this is not true. The changes happen at a faster rate and you seem to lose the person you knew a little more each time you see them. Worse still your own memories get overwritten and it becomes harder to remember the person as they were.
People have often said to me that with dementia you lose the person twice For me this is not true. I lose my mother every time I visit her. And it hurts every time I visit her.
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