This is my blog (now there is a surprise!). I will be sticking in it poetry, prose, random musings, things that take my fancy and more than likely lots of pictures of cats. I hope you find something to amuse and/or interest you here.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Not Dying, Yet.

A workday morning so it is up at 5:30.  Hit the bathroom and do the morning stuff as quietly as possible then its downstairs and start the day. 
I’m in remission at the moment so first thing is to check that is still the case.  Aches and pains are at general Myalgia level so that is ok.  Stomach is off and I don’t fancy breakfast, not a good sign.  Head feels ok though; no dull ache, flashing pains, etc..  So far so good.  No ringing in the ears, noise sensitivity at normal level and I don’t want to crawl back into bed and hibernate so it looks like the remission continues.
Feed the cats first, there choice not mine.  Smell of the cat food makes me want to heave. Make a coffee, decaff of course.  Thanks to the remission, this mornings ‘breakfast’ only consists of a couple of immunosuppressant tablets and a couple of extra-strength antihistamines.  I will think about solid food when the stomach settles a bit.
Into uniform, t-shirt under my blouse although it is a warm day.  That is so that when my skin splits where the eczema is bad, the blood won’t show on my uniform.
Run through my relaxation exercises and relax for a few minutes while finishing my coffee.  Take Mum a cup of tea.  Reassure her that today is not a ‘bad’ day and I don’t need to get a doctors appointment set up.
Into the car and off to work.  The good thing about a 07:00 start is that I miss the ‘rush hour’ which is more like a ‘crawl two hours’.  It usually starts around 7:30.  I like driving so I find going to work quite relaxing, even when the traffic is bad.
Brace myself and go into the office, saying good morning to everyone.  Not too much negativity flying this morning, everyone seems in a pretty good mood.  Deal with the usual morning issues that have had to wait for the Team Leaders attention.  They rarely actually need me to do anything but reassure but that is part of the job.
Into the office to check peoples takings, paperwork, etc. from the previous day.  On a good day this takes about 2 hours but if there is something wrong it can take a lot longer.
Book-ups checked, it’s onto the data entry.  We are in the middle of changing systems so the interface isn’t up to speed at present, which means a lot of manual entry of data.  Complex, fiddly and needs to be accurate.  All the time I am being interrupted to deal with those little issue that arise but it is going ok.
No break today as it is constantly busy.  It is a good job I like cold coffee because I’m not going to get a hot cup today.
Empty the pay-stations and top up the floats.  Still keeping on top of things.
All the money balances.  Hallelujah, that makes a change.
Check all the data entry is correct, file all the paperwork, ‘close the day’ on the computer to set a fix-point for the auditors.  That is it, now I can change nothing on that front.  So yesterday is over, time to start today.
Tour the team and check everyone is reasonably happy.  Sort out their floats and change with them.  As always, someone wants a ‘quick chat’ which turns into a longer counselling session.  Then the late turn arrive, including my relief.  Time for handover, safe-check and home.
Another day over.  A relatively quite one this time, no-one has even shouted at me.  Usually by this time I have been verbally abused at least twice and often physically threatened as well.  No-one has cried at me either.  No-one really needed my help though, so I missed my daily fix of turning some-ones day round.  Oh well, you can’t have everything.
Although I have spent 7 hours at my desk according to my job description, the reality is that with lifting backs of coins that weigh about 5 kilos (10 lbs) each, walking backwards and forwards through the offices to assist people and heaving boxes of paperwork about, I am physically wrecked.  I have to watch the tiredness level as too much fatigue means I am out of remission and back on medication.
So, home, shopping, reading and TV before bed at 8pm to be ready for tomorrow.  ‘Supper’ is 2 more antihistamines and a statin tablet for my cholesterol levels.
A good day.
If the remission doesn’t hold, it will be extra medication twice a day.  Missing one dose makes me ill, two could mean I die.  The fatigue levels go up, I get paranoid, stress leads to palpitations and anxiety attacks, the Myalgia gets so bad I can barely move and I live on ibruprofen.  The side effect of my illness are also killers but more slowly.  Obesity,  chronic fatigue and stress.
So what is this killer illness I suffer from?  Have you guessed? I wonder how close you got.

It is depression, I am mentally ill.  Now, are you still sympathetic or have your feelings changed?


  1. My ? is how do you have time to write?! Amazing! You are quite gifted....despite your thorn...which each of us carry in some way...

  2. This invisible illness, depression, can cripple our bodies, frazzle our emotions, or fog our brains. Sometimes life looks so hopeless to us that we think we may never recover our former health and happiness. Sympathy and empathy can be a welcome comfort. Please accept mine Pen ♥

  3. This was an excellent post that really made one stop and think when reaching the ending! My daughter also struggles with depression so I know some about how this is. What she has learned, and apparently you have too, is that you get thru life one day at a time, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not so much so, but you get thru it, then on to the next. I am glad you had a good day, workplace experiences can be so variable and difficult. I wish you moments of joy, and peaceful rest.

    ~Josie Two Shoes~
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  4. Those of us that suffer from depression(mine is from PTSD)curtsy of vietnam can relate to your story.Our life line is the mantra that tomorrow will be better.Hope springs enternal. Great writing as usual. Your writing makes my day,penney.Thank you