This is my blog (now there is a surprise!). I will be sticking in it poetry, prose, random musings, things that take my fancy and more than likely lots of pictures of cats. I hope you find something to amuse and/or interest you here.
Sunday, 6 February 2011
Here's one I prepared earlier....
Me, Growing Up At Last
I’ve stood on the edge of that black abyss
Full of self-hate and despair,
Wondering how I got there,
What evil did I do to get like this?
But my heart would tell me I’d been remiss
And my memory show where
I’d done wrong and been unfair
Showing me scenes I could not dismiss.
I could remember everything I’d done wrong,
That cannot be changed however much I long
To go back for the tide of time is too strong,
I could not return, so never could belong.
So I lived behind a shield of make-believe
A mask covered my face
A smile fixed there in place
While inside I would hide and there I would grieve
Trying to find a way to quietly leave
And with a little grace
Vanish without a trace,
From my presence I would everyone relieve.
For I knew that everything I did was bad,
And the troubles that my friends and family had
For I knew within my soul they’d not be sad
So my resolution then was ironclad.
For I alone knew that I was just a lie,
The was nothing inside
The mask I’d used to hide
And what I’d been so long before had died.
I was a child who’d not be one who cried
I’d hid my hurts down deep
Secrets that I would keep
Hidden from the people who laugh and deride.
For my family was complete before I came,
I was the accidental child, not my blame
But my siblings made sure I knew all the same,
Somehow leaving me with only thoughts of shame.
I knew my mother loved me but I felt sure
I wasn’t good enough
My efforts were too rough
I could not reach her standards so obscure
While my father seemed determined to ensure
I met only rebuff
With grunts and answers gruff
I knew my faults were too many for a cure.
I was a failure in almost every way,
Too young, too small, things I could not gainsay
While my best efforts would always go astray,
No friends were allowed to visit or to play.
School ensured I knew that I was out of place
My background was too poor,
That school was really for
The upper middle-class not for the common place.
I learnt that I was worthless and very base.
Intelligence for sure
Was no reason for
Some-one like me to stay within their embrace.
I stuck it out for I refused to give in.
I was determined that this time I would win.
But the slights struck hard and stuck beneath my skin
I made it but the cost wore my soul so thin.
If you damage the chrysalis when it’s spun
When the Butterfly
Does not quickly die
Its life is crippled before it had begun.
And so it is the child cannot outrun
Even when they try
To find the reason why
Childhood damage lasts lifelong when it is done.
My mask grew up but I remained a young kid
Projecting confidence with all I then did,
Letting no-one close in case they gently slid
Inside my shield and hated the thing it hid.
Then someone died while I was in charge that day.
A long duration,
There was nothing I could have done they say.
My head knows that it’s true, that there was no way
My hearts creation,
That I should have stopped it should hold any sway.
But the emotions of the heart over-rule
The cold logic that is the brains only tool.
The brain is kind but the heart is very cruel
When you truly believe that you’re a lying fool.
So I’ve stood on the edge of that abyss.
Feeling death call me
Hoping I will see
If not absolution then release from this.
Held back by a fear I just could not dismiss
That there just might be
An afterlife were we
Are forced to acknowledge all we’ve done amiss.
I feared death as much as I hated my life
Although each day was tortured by my hearts knife,
Torn apart by my internal mental strife,
Shredded by the doubts and fears that were so rife.
I stepped back from the edge, I still don’t know why