Here's one I prepared earlier....

Me, Growing Up At Last

I’ve stood on the edge of that black abyss

Full of self-hate and despair,

Wondering how I got there,

What evil did I do to get like this?

But my heart would tell me I’d been remiss

And my memory show where

I’d done wrong and been unfair

Showing me scenes I could not dismiss.

I could remember everything I’d done wrong,

That cannot be changed however much I long

To go back for the tide of time is too strong,

I could not return, so never could belong.

.

So I lived behind a shield of make-believe

A mask covered my face

A smile fixed there in place

While inside I would hide and there I would grieve

Trying to find a way to quietly leave

And with a little grace

Vanish without a trace,

From my presence I would everyone relieve.

For I knew that everything I did was bad,

And the troubles that my friends and family had

For I knew within my soul they’d not be sad

So my resolution then was ironclad.

.

 For I alone knew that I was just a lie,

The was nothing inside

The mask I’d used to hide

And what I’d been so long before had died.

I was a child who’d not be one who cried

I’d hid my hurts down deep

Secrets that I would keep

Hidden from the people who laugh and deride.

For my family was complete before I came,

I was the accidental child, not my blame

But my siblings made sure I knew all the same,

Somehow leaving me with only thoughts of shame.

.

I knew my mother loved me but I felt sure

I wasn’t good enough

My efforts were too rough

I could not reach her standards so obscure

While my father seemed determined to ensure

I met only rebuff

With grunts and answers gruff

I knew my faults were too many for a cure.

I was a failure in almost every way,

Too young, too small, things I could not gainsay

While my best efforts would always go astray,

No friends were allowed to visit or to play.

.

School ensured I knew that I was out of place

My background was too poor,

That school was really for

The upper middle-class not for the common place.

I learnt that I was worthless and very base.

Intelligence for sure

Was no reason for

Some-one like me to stay within their embrace.

I stuck it out for I refused to give in.

I was determined that this time I would win.

But the slights struck hard and stuck beneath my skin

I made it but the cost wore my soul so thin. 

 .

If you damage the chrysalis when it’s spun

When the Butterfly

Does not quickly die

Its life is crippled before it had begun.

And so it is the child cannot outrun

Even when they try

To find the reason why

Childhood damage lasts lifelong when it is done.

My mask grew up but I remained a young kid

Projecting confidence with all I then did,

Letting no-one close in case they gently slid

Inside my shield and hated the thing it hid.

.

Then someone died while I was in charge that day.

Investigation,

A long duration,

There was nothing I could have done they say.

My head knows that it’s true, that there was no way

The condemnation,

My hearts creation,

That I should have stopped it should hold any sway.

But the emotions of the heart over-rule

The cold logic that is the brains only tool.

The brain is kind but the heart is very cruel

When you truly believe that you’re a lying fool.

.

So I’ve stood on the edge of that abyss.

 Feeling death call me

 Hoping I will see

 If not absolution then release from this.

 Held back by a fear I just could not dismiss

 That there just might be

 An afterlife were we

 Are forced to acknowledge all we’ve done amiss.

 I feared death as much as I hated my life

 Although each day was tortured by my hearts knife,

 Torn apart by my internal mental strife,

 Shredded by the doubts and fears that were so rife.

 .

 I stepped back from the edge, I still don’t know why

 And I asked for aid,

 With a call I made,

 I found it and the finding at last let me cry.

 I was broken but kind people helped me try

 To at last let fade

 The cell I had made,

 That prison mask I made and did occupy.

 Now I am growing up at last and learning

 To handle the new things I am discerning,

 To accept the praises that I am earning,

 While long held preconceptions overturning.