Dodges latest prompt

Today's Prompt is Pleaides

Write a Pleaides poem.
Pleaides poems are seven lines long.
They have a one-word title.
Each line in the poem begins with the same letter that is the first letter in your title.
Any subject


Depression

Diving downward to new depths
Despair leading me by the hand
Disgusted by my own self-pity
Driven by echoing memories
Deriding all I have done well
Deciding I have no right to life.
Death thoughts haunting all the time.



Also via JL

Speaking of linking up, we found a new place to play

http://write-a-letter-wednesday.blogspot.com/

This is what I wish I could send to my father.

Dear Dad,

We made a mess of our relationship, didn’t we?  I could never be the daughter you wanted and you had no idea how to be a father.

Did we love each other?  In a way, I suppose we did.  You resented every minute of Mum’s attention I claimed.  I lived in terror of your anger.  A terror made worse because I didn’t know what would happen.  My older brothers and my sister warned me not to upset you until that was all I knew.  Don’t disturb Mum, don’t upset Dad.

Were you really that bad or did my fear exaggerate every incident so much that it lost all reality?  I can only remember you hitting me once, but you killed me with your anger and your silent disgust so often. 

And then I grew up and left home as soon as I could.  And I was still afraid.  Afraid of you, afraid of everyone in authority, afraid of doing the wrong thing, afraid of breaking rules no-one ever explained were there.

You have been dead two years now.  At your funeral, everyone told me how proud you had been of me and how much you thought of me.  They told me how good I had been to you.  Yes I visited.  Yes, I did your gardening, your decorating, checked you were keeping warm, eating properly, going to the doctor.  Yes it was a 120 mile round trip.  Yes, I took you on holiday.  But I didn’t do it because I loved you, I did it because you were my Dad and no-one else would. 

You told the hospital I was your only child.  Why?  There were four of us.  Why did you deny the existance of the others.  Okay, Colin was already dead, but what about Alan and Kit?

I wasn’t there when you died.

That hurts.

The hospital phoned me the night before to say you were poorly.  I was tired.  I had been at work since 5 am.  I asked if I should come and the hospital said there was no immediate rush.  So I put it off until the morning.  I got up at 5 am.  I got ready.

Then the phone rang.

You died at 6 am.

I was too late because I was too selfish.

That I will never be able to forgive myself for.

I know you didn’t recognise me when I visited you.  I know your mind was gone to the past.  I know you were still asleep.

I doesn’t matter.

I wasn’t there.

I don’t think I miss you; I miss what you could have been.  I don’t miss you; I miss what I never had and now never can have.  A father whom I could love.

Goodnight Dad.

I’m still afraid.